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During the last 3 years, I have been to the doctor’s office more times than I’d been in the previous 25.  

I have had several strange encounters with my Doctor’s office. One of the physicians I see uses a “state of the art” records system. So now, when I go to the office, the first thing the nurse checking me does is take me to the scale to be weighed.

This encounter has become predictable; I step on the scale, she goes to enter the weight on the electronic chart, stops, scratches her head, rechecks the chart, clears the scale and tells me to step on the scale again. Since it never appears to be the same nurse twice, they don’t quite get what is going on. Losing weight doesn’t seem to compute. I think if I had gained 40 pounds, they would not question it. They then give me the RCA dog look with the tilted head and ask, “Have you lost weight?” 

I then tell the nurse that I have lost a bit of weight. The nurses always seem to be truly excited for me. They show it, and are always very encouraging. 

The doctors are another story. They always note the change in weight and ask me how I am doing it. I tell them what my program has been and they then ALWAYS, without fail, begin to tell me how I can lose weight. WHAT THE HELL! You have my medical chart in front of you and can see I know how to do it. I have the combo to that lock, doc, I don’t need your help on this one. The insane part is some of the suggestions they offer. I tell them I have been doing it with diet and exercise, and they start to tell me about how their cousin Clem eats nothing but chicken fat and straw and how he has been able to lose 12 pounds in a short two years. Is this what was taught in medical school? I think I am going to have to insist the next time I come in, I need to see that medical school diploma. What did they teach in that medical school in Haiti anyway?

Even worse are the doctors that start to tell me how I am doing it wrong. This amazes me the most. They point out all the things I shouldn’t be doing (such as weighing myself every day). It’s not like I started snorting Bolivian marching dust and smoking Lucky Strikes to cut the weight. Thanks for the advice, doctor, but I am fairly sure I’ve got this handled. 

The best encounter I had was with a doctor that asked me if it was hard. I looked her in the eye and told her that once I made up my mind to do it, it was simple. Once I was willing to do what it took, for the most part, I didn’t feel tortured. She said, “So you’re saying it was easy.” I told her no, it was simple. She then got really angry and said. “I will just tell my other patients who are struggling that is simple and easy.” I told her it was simple, burn more calories that you take in. It’s just math. Elementary math, just simple subtraction.

Paul

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