I have been having some issues with my level of confidence. I am not sure where this started. When I was lumbering around at 600 lbs, I didn’t have an issue. I felt like I was confident. Over the past year, I have had what I would term an erosion of self-esteem.
So, I had to ask myself, “Self,” (I hate when people speak about themselves in the third person) “what the hell happened? How is it possible that I lost my mojo when at the same time I have been getting the rest of my life in order?” I had to admit, I had no clue, so I spoke to a friend of mine. She pointed out that she always thought I was a confident guy, but maybe I was taking myself a bit more seriously than I did before. That led me to the bigger question: why was I confident at 600 lbs?
I think the answer was that at 600 lbs, I was invisible. When you are invisible, you have total freedom. (I can imagine what I would do if I was really invisible…but that’s another kind of blog.) My power of invisibility was due to my size. While it seems counter-intuitive that I could be that big and people wouldn’t see me, I think at a real level people looked past me. I don’t believe that people did it on purpose. I think that it goes back to when you’re a child and you see someone that is challenged or has a physical deformity, your parents teach you not to stare. Therefore, you kind of train yourself to look past them. At a very real level, people did this with me.
So then the question changes to, why do I now feel this erosion of confidence? I knew that before, most people didn’t really connect with me for whatever reason. But lately, people are connecting with me. They react to me differently. A few of my friends have even come out and told me that they see me in a different way. This has messed with my melon a bit. Is the change within me or are they now able to “see” me instead of looking past me? Not everyone has done this, but the change has been nice.
I am sure to some degree I have become more open. I feel physically better and I am sure that translates out to a different vibe.
So the last question I have is, which would you rather have: the gift of flight or the power of invisibility? For me, I will take the gift of flight, I have been invisible—time to get in the game and try something new.
Paul
Disappearing Paul 
2 Comments
Interesting post! Sometimes when we think we’re losing confidence, we are actually in the process of redefining and rebuilding it.
When you were 600 lbs you knew who you were, you knew your role in life… you had a sense of you. Now thats changed, your perceptions is shifting and you are learning who the new you is.
Wishing you all the best, I enjoyed reading your post Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for the encouragement. I think you are right in your assessment of knowing my place when I was the “big guy” is being redefined. Its hard to know where you fit in. I guess thats the great think about America..I can re-invent myself anyway I want.
Thanks again
Paul