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When I was heavy, I mean really heavy, at my peak weight at 600lbs, I had people from time to time confront me. I am not talking about an intervention from my friends and family. Trust me, those get old fast! I am talking about complete strangers that felt it was okay to discuss my personal appearance at great length.

Over the years, maybe a dozen people felt the need to make that approach. Early on, I would just be polite and thank them for their concern while trying to politely move away. When I got older, I realized how truly rude these people were and changed my tactic. I would immediately start insulting them loudly as a way to make them uncomfortable. I found after a while that most of them wanted to sell me something to cure my weight problem.

The weird thing was most of these mouth breathers would just keep right on talking after I had politely told them no thank you. After the first no thank you, I went right to dropping F-bombs.

The last time this happened, I was in a parking lot. I had just walked to my car and was getting my seat belt on. I looked up and a man had driven a van directly in front of my parking space, trapping me. I am sure I had a look of disbelief as he approached me with papers in his hand. I rolled down my window and he smiled and handed me the documents. It was a flier for a diet plan and a business card. I looked at the card. It was a picture of him…and I swear to God, he was posed in a side body profile shot in his tight white Fruit of the Loom underwear. I mean, what the hell? He started to explain to me that he had already lost some weight. I was dumbfounded to the point I couldn’t even swear at him. In the picture, he had to be about 350 pounds. It was like the worst Victoria’s Secret advertisement ever created. He started to tell me about this program, I said I wasn’t at all interested. He said yes, but it works. I was a bit shocked, but was able to regain my composure, I looked him in the eye and said, “Why in the world would I want to lose weight? It took me years to work up to this size. I spent my entire life gaining it—I don’t want to lose it now.” This threw him for a bit of loop, but he kept pushing on with his sale pitch. I let him go for a few seconds and then just told him he needed to move his car immediately…or else. He finally got the message and left.

A few years prior to that, I was getting my hair cut. It was a small shop and they only had two chairs. Both were occupied; one with a woman getting her hair trimmed and the second with a little boy getting a cut. The little boy appeared to be the woman’s son.

As I was waiting for my turn, I was thumbing through a magazine. The woman finished first and the barber told me it would be just a minute because she wanted to sweep up before she got to me. The woman who had just gotten her hair cut stepped up to me. She was maybe 5’4” and I am guessing that she weighed in around 250lbs. She was wearing a flowing top that barely covered her stretch pants covered ass (one of her white trash bingo friends should have told her that stretch pants were a privilege, not a right). She said, “Excuse me, but you would be an attractive guy if you just lost some weight and I have a great product that would make it happen.” I told her no thank you and said I wasn’t interested. I don’t think she heard a word I said because she restarted her sales pitch. I told her again politely that I was not interested in it. She again just pushed ahead and told me that it has worked for her and that I might have seen her signs around town.

I had in fact seen them all over my small town; they were homemade poster board signs touting her magic weight loss potion. I would have gone right to telling her to go get “the high hard one” but her little boy was now watching our discussion and having her for a mom was trauma enough for the little guy. I was eventually called over to the chair but this bitch followed me. She kept right on going with her sales pitch. It got to the point that the hairdresser told her to leave and then proceeded to apologize on behalf of this woman.

As I left the salon, I climbed into my 4X4 Ford 250 Redneck model pick up truck. When I got to the street, on the green stretch of grass between the street and the sidewalk I noticed one of her signs. I checked my rear view mirror, backed up 20 feet, cranked the wheel and drove up over the curb, over the sidewalk and straight over her sign. It was a great feeling of satisfaction when I looked back and saw the remains.

Over the next week, I must have scored 8 or 9 sign kills with my truck. After a bit of time, she got tired of replacing the signs and started to place them in areas I couldn’t get to with my truck. I had to resort to hopping out of my truck and removing the sign. Hey, I was doing my part to pick up the litter in my beautiful little town. It was my mission. I think I must have had about 2 dozen signs when she finally quit putting them out. I guess she was right, her program was helping me get some exercise.

I am not sure why people think they can walk up to fat people and start these kinds of discussions. Even with my thick skin, it was painful. I blame Santa for this. His press about being a Jolly fat man has worked too well.

At least I don’t have to listen to these pitches anymore.

Paul

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One Comment

  1. lol you have to wonder at the stupidity of people sometimes. I love how you knocked all the signs down lmao!

    But what a horrible thing to go through. Those people were nothing but insensitive ignorant assholes, and thats being kind.

    Keep growing that beautiful soul you have, the pain you remember will disappear one day when you remember you are already worth everything good in life.

    Peace be your journey.


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